i will admit it. i too am tired of sad, messy, diaspora art. can we not just write about beauty, about freedom, about possibility? what of our grander imaginations? maybe it starts tomorrow. tonight, i am writing grief for women i don't know, who look like me, or maybe don't. we aren't all alike -- isn't that funny? i am writing heartache for lost dreams, and things we wish we had time for, for a time when sweating the small stuff seemed like the big stuff. the thing is, i don't know anymore what it feels like to live in a body unafraid, in a mind unfettered by fear. i tried, really i did, to tell myself that fear is a privilege i do not deserve. it is attention-seeking, paranoia reserved for those who have earned it. what right do we have to fear when precarity is predicated on absence? fear consumes me nonetheless. my friends taught me how to escape a chokehold, like it could help me escape from being seen in this body. the knowledge gives false security, temporary reprieve. i felt something like pride. it keeps the fear at bay. mom called me today, asked if i was eating alone at two in the afternoon. i know she has heard the news. i hide my fear behind assurances that the sun is present. neither of us say anything else. vocalizing fear is almost as scary as feeling it. i want to say we'll be fine. i text friends to see if they're home safe. i tell people of my whereabouts after i lock the door behind me; a reminder to myself that someone cares, even if it feels like the world does not. i searched online for how to activate an emergency call from my phone. a cold wired brick, my lifeline. i stopped listening to music on commutes, as if heightened hearing could prevent the unthinkable. how can something be unthinkable if it is all we ever think of? i have not cried since Atlanta, since six women left this earth, since someone decided to play god, since anger-shifting avatars threatened me for displaying anger, sadness, confusion. trying to harden yourself does not remove the fear. it is an abscess you become accustomed to. in front of a laptop, i laid myself bare. near strangers held me in silence. i remember feeling freed - heavy but alive. and oh god, i know we want to live. i have become predisposed to grief, to heaviness. my susceptibility to hard emotions make it feel like second nature. it is contagion and salve. is there a word for wanting to be seen and be invisible at the same time, to scream and bury it deep all at once? tomorrow is another day, another chance for swallowing fear whole alongside my medications. it is expensive to be sick, to be riddled with worry. no doctor has been able to tell me what is wrong, i think the only solution is something i don't know how to find. i want us to be held in safety, in communion. i don't know if tomorrow will let me write that kind of happy into existence, if time will soften the hard edges of loss. but i want to try.
Category: TunesDays
Candy for your ears. Curated lists of my music of the moment for your listening pleasure.
a long overdue life update & 26th birthday request
Dearest family and friends,
It’s been quite some time since I last posted an update and so much has happened in my life. I tried really hard to make a cute newsletter to email to everyone, but after a lot of technical issues, I figured posting on my blog would be much easier.
I’ve been living in Pittsburgh for the past year and am now in my second year of a five-to-seven-year-long PhD program in Sociology at the University of Pittsburgh.
I’ll admit, moving across the country has its challenges. Building new friendships and creating a whole new community out of nothing is hard. Concepts like “imposter syndrome” and “microaggressions” and “structural inequality” have never felt more real than they do when I’m in the academy. I’ve had some very low lows, and the highs didn’t seem very high.
I spent the last year trying to understand how my studies and my research could have a bigger impact. Was a PhD the right path to tackling the myriad of social problems we face today? Did anything I think actually have value? Would people at the university ever take me seriously? Being a young womxn of color in an institution built to serve upper class white men was and is not easy. Unfortunately, I went into a tailspin and retracted into my own head, taking a break from activism and being involved in the community.
But, now that I’m turning 26, I think it’s time for me to regain the fight and courage I had when I was in California.
For my birthday, in lieu of gifts, I’m urging my loved ones to consider donating to Yemen Aid.
Those who know me know that I’m always highly critical of humanitarian and development aid. I’ve asked friends who are knowledgable about the war in Yemen to recommend organizations that are impactful, transparent, and ultimately have the interests of all Yemenis regardless of their religious and ethnic identities.
To me, the traumatic effects that war has had on the people there should be a topic on everyone’s mind.
Over 10% of the population is internally displaced. 85,000 children have died of starvation (a conservative UN estimate) since the beginning of the war in 2015. 14 million people are at risk of famine. These problems don’t even touch the issues of trauma and physical violence inflicted on the Yemeni people.
To be honest, the neglect from the international community is absolutely sickening. I see the news headlines and read posts from my friends who have worked with Yemenis, and things just feel hopeless. Our political leaders have shown zero interest in caring for survivors of war. And our nation funds and supplies many of the weapons that Saudi has used in their attacks on Yemen.
It is pretty clear that the problems faced by Yemen (and exacerbated by the culture of war that we all engage in) won’t be solved by a simple birthday fundraiser. But, I have always believed that consciousness raising can change lives. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be spending 7 years of my life trying to become a professor.
I’m urging you, even if you cannot donate, read about what’s happening in Yemen. As an educator and researcher, it would make me incredibly happy to know this (lengthy) post sparked something in you and helped you learn about an issue you may have not understood before.
This is a link for my fundraiser for Yemen Aid. If you feel compelled to donate to another organization related to Yemen relief, please let me know. And as always, if you have questions or just want to catch up on life, I’d be so happy to!
Thank you for continuing to be a part of my life in little and big ways. I hope that this next year will bring us all a little more peace and clarity.
With love and light,
Christina
Happy Tunesday: Collection 65
I told myself I would focus on getting my life together. But, of course, I’m sitting and listening to new music.
The first tunesday of 2018 is Raveena‘s newest EP. I first heard her stuff when I was living in Southern California. My best friend and I were obsessed with Johnny, it’s the Last Time. Since then, Raveena released Shanti, a soothing and sweet compilation of jazzy, R&B vibes.
I wouldn’t have known she had new music out if it wasn’t for my pal, Sharon, who shared a live recording of If Only with me.
Let me just say, I’ll be jamming out to all of Raveena’s old and new stuff for the next week as I try and get myself prepped for a new semester.
What are some songs you’re listening to as you start the new year? Share them with me below!
xoxo.
Happy TunesDay: Collection 64
The end is nigh and I’ll be home home home in less than a week.
But, before that, I have to pull through the rest of this semester.
I’m taking a finals week break to share this playlist with y’all (okay, to be honest, this is my 50th break in the span of 3.6 hours…I’m human).
I cozied up to this playlist yesterday while writing into the night. Music is a real mood changer, because even though it felt like I was drowning in work and reading and too many word documents, I couldn’t help but feel groovy and great with this playlist.
This morning, I woke to snow…I’ll be real with y’all. Snow is magical. It’s beautiful and refreshing and lovely…for a good ten minutes. Then your face feels numb, you lose all feelings in your fingertips, and you can feel your heart rate slow in order to preserve your dear life.
It’s a good thing my walk to campus from my apartment is only fifteen minutes long.
Anyway, I hope that y’all enjoy the playlist as much as I do.
Wishing you all a safe and warm wintery week.
Happy TunesDay: Collection 63
It’s been a while since I put out another TunesDay playlist. In the midst of trying to stay afloat during this semester, I definitely put my blog on the backburner. But, I’ve been collecting songs to incorporate into new playlists for you all!
Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to push out a playlist on Soundcloud considering some of the songs I wanted to use weren’t available on the site, but I made this one on my Spotify account. Hopefully y’all can access it alright!
This particular playlist (entitled: sad boi feels aesthetic because there really isn’t another way to characterize it) has been keeping me company on chilly Pittsburgh nights and during my morning walks to campus.
The 1975 definitely produce my go-to sad boi songs, but I’m really starting to dig LANY. Their tune, 4EVER!, has been on repeat. It’s slightly akin to Carly Rae Jepsen’s synthpop/80’s-vibe album, Emotion. All in all, I can’t complain. Even sad bois need some synthpop lovin’.
What are some of your go-to sad boi feels song choices?
Share them with me and I might add them in!
Happy TunesDay: Collection 62
Ya girl’s back.
For real. At least for another week.
It’s been a legitimate mess trying to get my life organized again, but I finally had a bit of time to whip out a new TunesDay mix.
I have to say, this heat wave in the ‘burgh is making me miss California. At least it’s not humid there. I will be sitting and sweating alone in my room this whole week with only this cool playlist to keep my body temperature regulated.
xoxo.
Happy TunesDay: Collection 61
It’s been a hot second, I know.
So much for posting TunesDay playlists every other week. Apologies for the radio silence, everyone!
But I have a really good, excuse…I promise.
I MOVED ACROSS THE COUNTRY!
See? That’s a good excuse to put all your life things on hold.
While I attempt to metaphorically duct tape pieces of my life together, I thought I should get back into posting music playlists to trick myself into thinking I have some semblance of a routine again.
So, here it is. TunesDay is back…for now…until I become so overwhelmed with graduate school courses that I seep into a deep and dark, withering despair.
Til then, happy listening!
TunesDay Takeover // Arunav Sarkar
It’s been a while since I’ve solicited friends for a TunesDay Takeover session, but I figured it was about time to bring it around again.
This week’s TunesDay playlist comes from my good high school friend, Arunav.
Whenever I’d see him or meet up with our high school friends, I’d always give him a hard time for only playing house/dubsteppy music, but he has evolved and thrown in some chill DANKK BEATZ. I’m thoroughly impressed.
Boy has got some guhhhreat taste in music…and if you tell him that he’ll probably love you forever and give you his first-born child.
I hope this TunesDay Takeover recalibrates your mind and lets you feel calm, even if only for 2.785 minutes, or however long this playlist lasts.
Until next time,
Christina (and Arunav too, I guess)
Happy TunesDay: Collection 60
Okay, I decided. I’m posting TunesDay playlists every other Tuesday. I just can’t keep up with the weekly deal. Sorry to disappoint the 3.67 people who listen to my playlists regularly!
Anyway, this week is a little hectic (as per usual). Does anyone else turn into a sluggish, sloth-like creature when a ton of deadlines and tasks are piling up? It’s like the more I have to do, the stronger my urge to curl into my bed and eat chocolate whilst binge-watching Freeform TV shows (aka Young & Hungry) on Netflix becomes. Also, can we talk about how ABC Family rebranded themselves into Freeform. I mean, what is that? Is that supposed to make them seem young & hip with all the teens?
I have a little over a month until I embark on life’s next great adventure– 7 years studying social injustices and writing papers in Pittsburgh! Okay, well I’m actually really excited about it, but I’m also terrified of leaving the comforts of my home. And by “home”, I’m not just referencing the house I’ve lived in my whole life in NorCal or my apartment in SoCal. “Home” means the friends, family, memories, laughter, tears, everything that has made me into a semi-normal, self-sustaining human person. And all those things are in California. How do people make new homes and still feel a constant sense of self? It’s been 24 years and I feel like I just got a hang of things here. And it’s really scary to think that in a small amount of time, people and places can change dramatically. In seven years, we might as well just be completely new people. California might be an entirely different place…country even. HAH. Jokes, but really, these next 3 years are going to be B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
So, I’m excited and terrified. Terrifyingly excited? Excitedly terrified? A combination of the two.
How do you cope with moving and finding new homes? Let me know, because I don’t have time to read a gazillion thinkpieces and self-help books. I need the basics told to me in person.
With love as always,
Christina
Happy TunesDay: Collection 59
I’m back in the USA and am back on track (TRACK, get it? Because music.) with TunesDay!
It was an intense two weeks for me in Madrid. I don’t know how to explain it, but I had a lot of emotions that I just wasn’t dealing with while there. I was too preoccupied with project development and trying to be present. I think with all my “be present, be patient, be your BEST SELF!!!” thoughts, I was actually doing myself a disservice in not really being my critical and engaged self that I usually am. I’ll probably, maybe, write a more self-reflective post about my time there and with the WISE Learner’s program in general after a couple more days of thinking about…life.
It’s dawning on me that I’m leaving California in less than 2 months. And to be frank, I’m freaking out. Time is running out and I feel like I need to do a billion and one things, see a billion and one people, and also have time to eat, sleep, do laundry, and wash dishes.
I guess that’s a typical feeling for people who are about to make serious life changes. But, even though it’s typical and normal, I don’t like it. What happened to being carefree and youthful–throwing caution to the wind and diving into new adventures? I like my caution and I don’t like diving. But, I guess I’ll have to learn to get accustomed to it.
Until then, I’ll be listening to this pop-synth-electro playlist to slow my mind down from 190320138913 km/hr to a solid 45 mi/hr, because we’re in the USA and the metric system is silly.
sending you all calm hearts and strong minds,
Christina
ong going 